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| Sunday, September 28, 2008 |
| =( |
i honestly have no idea.
i'm in a crappy mood. i'll tell you why.
okay so. i'll start with jesusboy.
his name's matt though but i prefer to call him that.
and yeah, it's insulting.
so anyways.
what happened was we became friends again - after over a year of hating and stuff.
but this gave him the access to get EVEN more closer to me.
so basically he took advantage of me over the summer and etc.
& broke his word. because he didn't stop after matty (the one i love) told him not to be all over me and etc.
so in the end i ended it all & started to haaaaate him after that.
ugh i wish i never gave him another chance. when he walked out of my life in the first place. so yeah, i just reallllllly hate him.
because one- he took advantage of me.
and two- because he messed up everything between me & matty.
so now matty's probably never gonna be back with me.
today was just a bad day =(
ugh ever since i realized he took advantage of me and shit;
i just have been sick to my stomach.
the reason i'm telling you about this is because
after i stopped talking to him in the summer, i started to talk to him again
like a week ago or less.
not to be friends again, but to spew my hate on him & try to tell him he's wrong.
and argue about the bible.
okay imma stop.
but yeah.
and matty.
ugh he just upsets me.
& i can't help it but hold onto the feelings.
i've been trying to show him that i'm serious and that i'm willing to make it all better.
but i understand why he's not going to jump into a relationship again with me.
because the whole relationship, i pretty much fucked it all up.
with my cutting & depression.
yeah, the hoodies were for hiding that.
with the crushes, with the guys and stuff.
so he doesn't trust me.
because he thinks i'm going to hurt him all over again.
but really.
the reason i wasn't ready in the first place.
was because i didn't think it'd end up as a long term relationship.
& i've never had someone that truely loved me and cared about me so much.
so i basically didn't take it all so seriously.
but now i regret it sooooo much.
& another reason is all the bad relationships in the past has influenced me.
to cheat on him, to fall for other people, to lie and do shit.
because that's what have happened to me.
& i know i truely love matty.
because everytime he says something that'll never happen.
like for example, us not getting together again.
i break down & cry for a long time.
and the truth is.
i've NEVER cried so much over anyone before.
and i've never felt sooooooo hurt.
so heart-broken. all torn. just really messed up.
i honestly didn't think i'd get hurt like that.
& i'm going to make sure i'll never love a guy again.
not after matty.
& i really hate this
but i just keep wishing and waiting for him to say i love you.
just for once.
i'd give everything for that.
because it means the world to me.
i'm just scared to tell him that
because i really don't want to feel like an idiot
or end up getting rejected.
it really kills alot.
& i don't even want to give up and move on.
i just want to prove to him that i'm not the same
& that i'll be the girl he deserves.
ugh.
i gotta calm down & stop.
but yeah. that's basically what have been bothering me.
peace & love. |
posted by katiee; @ 3:59 PM  |
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